What to Say to Someone Grieving: Finding the Right Words

It’s extremely difficult to know what to say to someone grieving. Despite my grappling with my own grief, the moment always feels so heavy and the words that come to mind so inadequate, almost empty. Of course I always want to offer comfort, to say the right thing, but without exception I am reminded there are no magic words that could ever erase the pain. Grief is a deeply personal journey, and no two people experience it the same way. Yet, through my own experience, I learned that sometimes the most meaningful thing you can do is simply to be there, to listen, and to acknowledge “there are no words” you can say to ease their pain.  

My Journey Through Grief

When Jenna, our fourteen year old daughter, died, I was utterly lost. I remember standing there, surrounded by people offering their condolences, offering to help, and offering to pick up the pieces of our shattered lives. 

Always in my heart I knew they were coming from a good place but so often their words stung.  They would ask how I was doing, only for me to say in my mind, “how the f#$% do you think I am doing?”  They would somehow compare their experience to ours and say things like they knew how we felt because that had experienced the loss of a loved one but somehow that felt cold and self-centered to me.   

It was such a confusing time, filled with a mix of emotions—sadness, anger, confusion. In those early days, I struggled and no words anyone could say, unfortunately, would take that away.  

What I found, though, was that the words themselves weren’t as important as the love and vulnerability of the space they were willing to sit in with me. The simple, heartfelt expressions of support were what mattered most. When someone said, "I have no words but I am here for you.  I will walk this journey with you.," it didn’t make the pain go away, but it did make me feel seen and understood. Those words acknowledged my pain and let me know that I wasn’t alone in my grief.

What to Say to Someone Grieving: The Power of Presence

As I’ve walked through my own journey of grief, I’ve come to realize that the best thing you can do for someone who is grieving is to simply be present. Words are important, yes, but sometimes, the most comforting thing you can offer is your presence. Grief can be incredibly isolating, making a person feel as though they are alone in their pain. By just being there, even if you don’t say much, you’re showing that person that they don’t have to go through this alone.

When thinking about what to say to someone grieving, I’ve learned that it’s okay to keep it simple. Sometimes, just acknowledging their loss is enough. One of the best things to say to someone grieving is, "I know there are no words but I’m here for you." or “I love you and I will walk this journey with you.  I can’t take your pain away but I can love you.”  They are small but highly impactful sentences that carry an abundance of weight. They tell the grieving person that they don’t have to carry the burden alone, that you’re there to love and support them in whatever way they need.

I remember a time when a close friend of mine lost her father. I was at a loss for words, but I knew that my presence mattered more than anything I could say. I sat with her, listened to her share memories, and held her hand when she cried. I didn’t have the perfect words, but I didn’t need to.  What mattered is I was there, and that made all the difference.

What to Say to Someone Grieving: Helpful vs. Unhelpful Phrases

Throughout my experiences with loss, I’ve heard many different things from people trying to offer comfort. Some were incredibly helpful, while others, though well-intentioned, hurt more than they helped.  

When considering what to say to someone grieving, it’s important to be mindful of the impact your words can have. Avoid clichés or phrases that might minimize their loss. Statements like "Everything happens for a reason", “That thing that happened”, or "They’re in a better place now" might have the intention to be comforting, but they can often come across as dismissive, lack empathy, or even be hurtful.

Instead, focus on acknowledging the reality of their grief. Simple statements like "I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I’m here for you" or "This is so hard and I know I could never imagine what you are going through but I am here to love and support you.” can go a long way. These phrases don’t try to explain the grief or make it go away—they simply recognize it. And in my experience, that’s often what a grieving person needs most: recognition that their pain is real and valid.  Also, your ability to jump in the hole with the person and act as a bridge out is more powerful than I could ever express.  

To illustrate this, here are two tables that outline helpful approaches and common pitfalls when speaking to someone who is grieving.

Dos and Don’ts When Supporting Someone Grieving

Common Phrases: Helpful vs. Unhelpful

There was a time when I, too, struggled with the right words. A dear friend of mine lost her husband suddenly, and I found myself grasping for what to say. I knew that nothing I said would bring him back or take away her pain, so again, I focused on being there for her. I offered my help with daily tasks, sat with her in silence when words failed, and reminded her that it was okay to feel however she needed to feel. It wasn’t about having the perfect words—it was about showing up.

How to Support Someone Grieving

Remember, some of your most powerful words are words never spoken. Supporting someone who is grieving doesn’t require grand gestures or eloquent speeches. Often, it’s the small, consistent acts of kindness that mean the most. 

When Jenna passed away, our family, friends, and community brought us meals for months.  They also sat with us day-in and day-out and respected us when we needed space or needed to be alone.  They brought household supplies, helped clean the house, and brought our favorite coffees in the morning.  They gave my daughter’s rides to school and babysat our labrador puppy.  They also let us lead the way, offering so much love and support it ultimately changed the fabric of the person I am today. That love changed me for the better.

One of the most valuable lessons I’ve learned is that it’s okay to say, "I don’t know what to say." It’s an honest, vulnerable admission that acknowledges the complexity of grief. By admitting that you don’t have all the answers, you’re giving the grieving person permission to feel and express their pain without trying to fix it. This simple acknowledgment can open the door to a more authentic connection, where the grieving person feels safe to share their true feelings without fear of being judged or misunderstood.

I’ve also found that asking, "How can I support you?" can be incredibly powerful. It shows that you’re willing to meet them where they are, to provide what they need, rather than assuming you know what’s best. Each person’s grief is unique, and what one person finds comforting, another might find overwhelming. By asking this question, you’re giving them the space to express their needs and taking the pressure off yourself to come up with the perfect response.

What to Say to Someone Grieving: A Lifelong Journey of Empathy

Finding the right words to say to someone grieving isn’t something you figure out overnight—it’s a lifelong journey of learning and empathy. Grief is a constant presence in life, whether it’s our own or that of someone we care about. The more we experience it, the more we understand the importance of being compassionate, patient, and present.

I’ve come to realize that it’s not about having the perfect response or saying the right thing every time. What truly matters is that you’re there for the person who’s grieving, that you’re showing up for them in whatever way they need. Whether it’s through a heartfelt expression of sorrow, offering a listening ear, or simply being a steady presence, your love and support can make a significant difference in their healing process.

When someone you care about is grieving, the most important thing you can do is let them know that their pain matters, that their grief is valid, and that they don’t have to face it alone. Grief is a journey that doesn’t have a clear endpoint, and while the road may be long and difficult, your words and actions can offer a measure of comfort, an illuminating light, and healing along the way.

What to Say to Someone Grieving: The Power of Support During Grief

In my own experience with loss, I’ve learned that while there’s no perfect thing to say, there are many ways to show compassion and support. It’s about being there, offering a shoulder to cry on, and providing a safe space for the grieving person to express their feelings. It’s about understanding that grief is a unique and personal experience, and that everyone processes it in their own way.

Ultimately, the right words aren’t about fixing anything—they’re about acknowledging the pain, offering your presence, and letting the grieving person know that they’re not alone. It’s about being vulnerable, being there, and being a source of comfort in a world that can feel incredibly lonely during times of loss.

Continuing the Journey Together

As time passes, I’ve noticed that the needs of someone grieving can change. What they needed in the immediate aftermath might differ from what they need months later. Staying connected over time is crucial. Sending a thoughtful message on the anniversary of their loss or simply checking in to see how they’re doing can mean the world to someone who is grieving.

It’s been 10 years and I still have a handful of friends who do something for us every year on Jenna’s passing and on her birthday.  This is the ultimate act of love in my opinion. 

Creating a supportive environment also involves understanding and respecting the grieving person’s way of coping. Some may find solace in sharing stories and memories, while others may prefer solitude or engaging in activities that help them process their emotions. Being adaptable and responsive to their needs is key.

Additionally, supporting someone in grief can extend beyond verbal communication. Acts of kindness, such as preparing a meal, running errands, or helping with household chores, can provide practical support that alleviates some of the burdens they may be facing. These gestures show that you care and are willing to help in tangible ways, which can be incredibly comforting.

Embracing Empathy and Patience

Empathy and patience are essential when supporting someone who is grieving. It’s important to remember that grief doesn’t follow a set timeline, and there’s no "right" way to grieve. Being patient allows the grieving person to process their emotions at their own pace without feeling rushed or pressured to "move on."

One of the most profound ways to support someone in grief is to validate their feelings. Let them know that it’s okay to feel whatever they’re feeling, whether it’s sadness, anger, confusion, or even moments of happiness as they remember their loved one. Validating their emotions helps them feel understood and accepted, which is a crucial part of the healing process.

Incorporating these practices into your interactions can deepen your connection and provide meaningful support to someone who is grieving. It’s a journey that requires compassion, understanding, and a willingness to be present through all the ups and downs.

If you need additional support as you support those who are grieving, please reach out to me dena@hersmile.org.  I am here to support you too!