Recognizing and Managing Grief Triggers

Shortly after Jenna passed away, I read The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk.

Looking back, I realize how fortunate I was to come across that book so early in my grief.

At the time, I did not fully understand the impact of everything I was reading, but one idea stayed with me. Our body stores our emotions and our trauma. What we do not process does not disappear. It lives inside of us.

That understanding changed the way I approached my grief.

Instead of believing I just needed to be strong or move forward, I began to recognize that something deeper was happening beneath the surface. My reactions, my emotions, even the moments that caught me off guard, were not random. They were connected to something my body was still holding on to.

Over the last decade, I have been very intentional about becoming aware of what lives inside of me. It hasn’t been easy work.

I have spent years retraining my brain, paying attention to my thoughts, and understanding how my experiences have shaped the way I respond to the world. That work has been meaningful and intentional.

And still, there are moments that catch me off guard.

Things I would never expect can trigger something deep inside of me. It feels visceral, almost like my body remembers before my mind has a chance to catch up.

Lately, I’ve started to look at it as layers that live inside me.

There are feelings and responses that rise up without warning. A memory, a sensation, something I cannot always explain right away. And instead of brushing it off or trying to push through it, I’ve started to get more curious about what is actually coming up.

That curiosity led me to new perspectives, including CognoMovement on YouTube and the book The Emotion Code by Dr. Bradley Nelson.

What I am seeing now, across all of these teachings, is a shared understanding.

Our body does not forget.

When something is too overwhelming to process in the moment, the body holds onto it. It gets stored in our nervous system and our subconscious in a way that allows us to keep functioning. But that does not mean it is resolved. It simply means it is waiting.

And what we often call a trigger is just that stored emotion resurfacing.

It is the body saying, there is something here that still needs your attention.

For a long time, I think I saw triggers as something to get past, a weakness to overcome. Something that meant I was not as far along as I thought I was.

Now I see them differently.

Triggers are not setbacks. They are access points.

They give us insight into what is still living inside of us, and they offer us an opportunity to respond in a new way.

That shift in perspective is allowing me to meet those moments with more compassion and less internal judgment.

And if you are noticing your own triggers, whether it has been months or years, I want you to know this is not you going backward. This is your awareness deepening.

And with that awareness, you have the ability to move forward in a way that actually supports your healing.

Here are three simple tools you can use right now when those moments come up:

1. Acknowledge what is happening in real time
   When you feel triggered, don’t overthink it. Just pause and take one breath. Even saying to yourself, okay, something just got stirred up, is enough.

And if your first reaction is frustration or judgment toward yourself, that’s normal too. These moments can make you feel like you’re doing something wrong. You’re not.

You’re not trying to fix it. You’re just slowing it down.

2. Support your body before trying to change your thoughts
   Bring your attention to your body. Slow your breathing. Place your hand on your chest. Let your body settle before you try to make sense of what you are feeling or trying to figure out why you were triggered. When the body feels safe, the mind follows.
3. Give the emotion a way to move
   Do not keep it trapped inside. Write a few honest sentences, say what you are feeling out loud, write in your journal, or take a quiet walk. You are not trying to fix the emotion. You are allowing it to move through you instead of staying stuck within you.

I am still learning this every day.

But what I know now is that our triggers are not something to fear or avoid. They are part of how our body communicates with us.

We now know, through modern science, that the heart has its own neural network, often referred to as the “heart’s brain,” and that it constantly communicates with the brain and nervous system. Which means what we feel is not just in our head. It is happening throughout our body.

And when we learn to listen, instead of pushing it away, we begin to create space for a life that unfolds beautifully despite our pain and trauma.