How Anger and Grief Shape Our Healing Journey

Grief and anger often intertwine when we lose someone we love, two potent emotions that surface in the wake of such profound loss. When my daughter Jenna passed, I experienced a spectrum of every emotion. While anger made its presence known—particularly as I watched my younger daughters, family, and Jenna’s friends navigate their own heartache—it wasn’t the dominant force in my life. Instead, sadness and sorrow were more central to my grief. With that being said, anger can be a natural part of grieving, and it deserves acknowledgment, but each person's experience is unique. In this article, I’ll explore how grief can manifest in various ways, including anger, while sharing aspects of my own healing journey.

Understanding Anger in the Grieving Process

When I grieved, anger didn’t manifest in the ways I might have expected. I never considered myself an angry person, and yet, deep down inside I was very angry by how life had unfolded. It wasn’t anger directed at others, but at the circumstances I couldn’t control. I had done everything to create a safe, loving life for my family, and it felt as though all of that had been taken from me in an instant. I wasn’t angry in the traditional sense—I wasn’t lashing out or placing blame on anyone—but the sense of injustice weighed heavily on me.

This kind of grief-related anger comes from the profound psychological pain of losing someone so integral to our lives, as if our entire reality has been upended. My mind wrestled with the emptiness Jenna’s absence left behind and I was devastated that I would never get to see her again.

The anger I felt was subtle, often unacknowledged, but it was still a real part of my process and it stemmed from the heartbreaking realization that no matter how much love or care we pour into life, some things are simply beyond our control.

What I came to understand is that love and anger are deeply intertwined, just as love and loss are. The anger I felt was not separate from my love for Jenna; it was, in fact, steeped in that love. Acknowledging the pain and anger wasn’t easy, but there is beauty in doing so because it reveals just how powerful that love remains. And the love never goes away.

The pivotal moment for me was realizing that while I couldn’t control the circumstances, I could control how I responded to the anger. Instead of fighting it, I chose to let my love for Jenna guide me through the darkest, most difficult emotions. That’s when my grief began to evolve. 

I understood that grief and anger weren’t adversaries to conquer but emotions to acknowledge, moment by moment. By allowing them to be part of my journey, they became pathways toward healing.I wasn’t angry because I loved so deeply; I was angry because I no longer had the chance to physically express that love to Jenna, and we didn’t get to continue sharing our lives with her. That loss of presence, the inability to hold her, talk to her, and experience life alongside her, was the source of my anger. The love was still there—powerful and constant—but it couldn’t be expressed in the ways I longed for.

As I navigated this complex mixture of love and anger, I realized that while I couldn’t change what had happened, I could control how I carried these emotions forward. My love for Jenna became my guide through the darkest moments. It didn’t erase the pain, but it helped me see that grief and anger didn’t have to be battles I fought—they could coexist and be part of the healing process. It was through that love, and the acknowledgment of the pain, that my grief began to transform.

Common Manifestations of Anger in Grief

Unmasking Grief and Anger: Hiding Deeper Emotions

When Jenna passed away at 14, just before she was about to start high school, I was angry and so sad she would never get to experience those exciting, spirited years. She was so outgoing, and I could only imagine how she would have catapulted herself through time and space, thriving in all the ways I knew she was capable of. That future was taken from her, and it hurt so deeply that it often felt unbearable to think about.

All of my anger stayed inside. I tried to be happy for her friends as I watched them grow up, cheering them on as they hit milestones that Jenna never got to experience. But deep down, I was battling the overwhelming sense of injustice. It felt so unfair that we didn’t get to share those moments with her—the high school years, the laughter, the milestones, her going off to college, career, family…all of it. I carried that anger quietly, a constant reminder of what we lost. Despite my outward composure, there was always an internal struggle, trying to reconcile the joy for others with the painful void that Jenna's absence left behind.

Healthy Coping Strategies for Grief and Anger

One of the hardest lessons I’ve learned is that in order to heal, I had to acknowledge and address my anger. Recognizing that anger is a normal part of the grieving process was a turning point for me. Once I accepted my anger, I focused on healthy ways to cope.

Here are some strategies that helped me cope with anger in grief:

• Mindfulness and meditation: These practices helped me stay grounded and manage my emotions. By focusing on the present moment, I could confront my grief without being overwhelmed by it.
• Exercise: I found that physical activity became a powerful outlet for releasing the tension and frustration I was carrying. Running, walking, and even hiking helped me process my emotions in a healthier way.
• Journaling: Writing down my thoughts allowed me to make sense of my feelings and see patterns in my anger. It was a safe space where I could express my emotions without judgment.
• Seeking professional help: My amazing grief counselor provided me with a space where I could talk through my emotions. It wasn’t easy, but having someone guide me through the landscape of grief made a big difference.
• Focusing on the Love: As I navigated the waves of grief and anger, I realized that by focusing on the love I have for Jenna, I could elevate my awareness around the "gift" she will always be in our lives. Love became the guide that helped me through the darkest moments, allowing me to shift my focus from what we lost to the deep connection we will always have. This perspective didn’t erase the pain, but it allowed me to embrace it as part of the enduring love I still carry for her. In many ways, that love is what has kept me moving forward.

It’s important to remember that anger following the loss of a loved one isn’t something to be ashamed of. For me, I needed to acknowledge it and take steps to ensure it didn’t consume me. When anger became too much, I reached out for help before it started affecting my relationships and mental health.

Grieving Different Relationships: The Unique Depths of Loss

I've talked a lot about the loss of a child, but losing a parent, partner, sibling, or close friend can lead to equally deep and complex levels of anger and grief. The nature of our relationships shapes how we grieve. Losing a parent can bring up unresolved issues, regrets, or a sense of lost guidance. With a partner, the grief often comes from the void left by someone who was your closest companion, your source of emotional support, and the person with whom you shared daily life. Losing a sibling, someone who has often shared your life from childhood, can feel like losing a piece of your shared history, a bond that is irreplaceable. The loss of a friend, especially someone who had been by your side through life’s ups and downs, can feel like losing a part of your identity—someone who understood you in ways few others could.

Each type of loss brings its own layers of sadness, anger, and longing. Whether it’s the loss of a parent who nurtured you, a partner who stood beside you, a sibling who shared your life and experiences, or a friend who walked with you through life’s challenges, the grief can cut deep. You may find yourself grieving not only the person but also the future you imagined with them. Grief in these instances is often complicated by the role they played in your life, leaving you feeling unmoored, searching for how to fill the space they once occupied.

In all cases, whether it’s a child, parent, sibling, partner, or friend, the pain is real, and so are the many emotions—anger, regret, sadness—that arise. But just as with any loss, the love you shared becomes the foundation for healing, even through the darkest moments.

Grief and Anger: Leaning on Support Networks

It was incredibly hard to talk about my anger, especially with my family and friends. I was afraid they wouldn’t understand. But I soon realized that I needed a strong support system to get through my grief. When I opened up, I found that sharing my feelings of anger with others helped me process them in a healthier way.

Talking to others who have gone through similar experiences made me feel less alone. I found comfort in knowing that other people felt the same mix of grief and anger. Journaling also allowed me to express my emotions without fear of judgment. It was a safe space where I could be vulnerable and grieve in my own way.

By integrating my personal journey into the framework of the grief and anger process, I found a path to understanding, acceptance, and healing. It is my prayer that by sharing my story, you will give yourself the grace to feel whatever emotions arise, knowing that anger and grief often walk side by side. These emotions, though heavy, are a natural response to love and loss. Hold on to that deep love as your guiding light, allowing it to lead you through the darkest moments. Remember that grief may not have an easy path, but within it lies the possibility of healing, if you allow love to be your constant companion.