Absent Grief: When You Can’t Mourn What’s Lost

Absent grief—two words that echo through our lives in silence, often unnoticed and misunderstood. It’s that strange void, where the expected wave of sadness and mourning doesn’t come crashing down the way we thought it would. If you’ve ever lost someone close to you and found yourself feeling disconnected from actually ‘feeling’ your loss, you might have been experiencing absent grief.

I remember earlier in life losing someone I loved dearly—my heart didn’t shatter as I expected it to. I thought I would be so much more sad.  Instead, I felt nothing. There was no deep emotional plunge, no endless weeping. Just a numbness that settled in, making me wonder if something was wrong with me. Everyone else seemed to be mourning, so why couldn’t I? 

As the writer Joan Didion once said, “Grief, when it comes, is nothing like we expect it to be.” And she was right. Grief doesn’t follow any rules. Absent grief is a stark reminder that sometimes, our hearts take their time to feel what our minds already know.

What is Absent Grief?

Absent grief isn’t a sign that you don’t care—it’s the body’s way of protecting itself when emotions become too overwhelming to process right away. We often expect grief to come in hot and blaring, but when it doesn’t, it can leave us feeling lost and confused. It’s that unsettling feeling of knowing you’ve lost someone or something, but not feeling the emotional response you anticipated.

Through my work with #hersmile and the hundreds of people I've spoken to over the years, I have witnessed how a few individuals continue with life as if nothing has changed after losing a loved one. They go to work, make dinner, and smile when others ask how they are, all while feeling disconnected from their reality. It’s not that they are intentionally avoiding their grief—they often just don’t know how to confront it. For many, it feels easier to push it aside and pretend that life is still normal.

Absent grief often manifests in ways that may go unnoticed, with many people carrying on as though nothing has happened. However, suppressing emotions in this way can have lingering, long-term effects. Even when grief doesn’t surface immediately, it remains beneath the surface, waiting to be acknowledged. Over time, this unprocessed grief can lead to emotional, physical, and mental challenges, reminding us that just because someone appears to be coping doesn’t mean they are truly healing.

Types of Grief

Absent grief is a natural coping mechanism—one that often occurs without conscious choice. Many people carry on with their daily routines, appearing unaffected by the loss, as if nothing has changed. However, this doesn’t mean the emotions are gone. Instead, the grief is pushed deep down, hidden beneath the surface.

Suppressing grief in this way doesn’t make it disappear; it lingers and can resurface unexpectedly, often manifesting in physical symptoms, emotional numbness, or a sense of detachment from life. 

Over time, unprocessed grief can have long-lasting effects on both emotional and physical well-being, reminding us that healing requires acknowledging and working through the pain, not avoiding it.

Absent Grief: The Physical Impact of Absent Grief

Even when you’re not feeling the emotional pain, your body can still carry the burden. After my daughter Jenna passed away, one of the best books I read was The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk. He explains, "The body keeps the score: If the memory of trauma is stored in our hearts, muscles, and tissues, it can affect our health far into the future." 

You might find yourself exhausted for no apparent reason, with your sleep patterns disrupted and your appetite gone. At first, you may not connect these symptoms to unresolved grief, but the body knows. Suppressing grief can lead to headaches, fatigue, and even chronic pain. Van der Kolk’s work reveals just how deeply grief can embed itself in the body, affecting both your emotional and physical well-being. It's a reminder that you must allow yourself to feel and process grief, or it will find other ways to express itself.

Here’s how absent grief can show up physically:

When you finally begin to talk about your grief, it can feel as if a tremendous weight has been lifted from your shoulders. You may not even realize just how much you’ve been carrying inside, quietly affecting your well-being. You’re not crying every day, but your body has its own way of signaling that something is unresolved, urging you to confront what you’ve lost. 

By speaking about your grief, you’re not only acknowledging your emotions, but you’re also giving your body permission to release the tension it’s been holding. It’s a profound reminder that healing doesn’t always happen in silence—sometimes, it begins with simply sharing your story.

What Causes Absent Grief?

Why do you sometimes feel nothing in the face of loss? For some, it’s a form of self-protection. If you've been caring for a loved one for a long time, by the time they pass, you may feel relieved that they are no longer suffering. You might expect to feel sorrow, but instead, all you feel is relief. It may not be until much later that the full weight of the loss hits you.

Other times, absent grief happens because you feel pressured to be strong. Society often expects people to move on quickly after a loss, to “stay strong” for others. You may feel like you have to hold it together for everyone else, leaving no space for your own emotions.

Author Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, known for defining the five stages of grief, once said, “The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it.” But what happens when you don’t feel that grief right away? Absent grief challenges the idea that grief follows a linear path, revealing that, for some, the grieving process is delayed or hidden altogether.

When Absent Grief Takes Over

When absent grief takes over, it can feel like living in a fog. You go through the motions, but you’re not truly present. When grief remains unaddressed for too long, it can become more than just emotional distance—it can lead to serious emotional and mental health challenges. Prolonged grief disorder is one of these challenges, where grief is pushed so far down that it begins to interfere with your everyday life.

You might not even realize how much you’ve isolated yourself until someone asks how you're really doing, months or years later. That simple question can act like a key, unlocking everything you've been suppressing. The grieving process is essential, even though it’s painful. When you don’t confront your grief, it finds ways to creep into your life, making it harder to form new relationships, increasing stress, and causing ongoing sadness.

Moving Through Absent Grief

Absent grief doesn’t mean you’re broken. It simply means your grief is on a different timeline. Recognizing the signs of absent grief is the first step toward healing. It may take introspection and honest conversations with people you trust. You have to learn that it’s okay to not be okay, and that your grief will eventually surface when you're ready to face it.

Talking about your loss, even if it’s delayed, can be incredibly therapeutic. Whether it’s through writing, confiding in a friend, or seeking professional help, finding an outlet for your emotions is crucial. As C.S. Lewis once said, “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.” Part of what you may be avoiding isn’t just the pain of loss, but the fear of feeling everything at once.

If you’re struggling with absent grief, know that it’s never too late to start your journey. Healing comes in waves, and sometimes, those waves take time to appear. But when they do, confronting them is what ultimately brings you peace. At #hersmile, we can help you find the support you need. Please reach out to dena@hersmile.org for support resources.