Grief and Love: Navigating Loss and Healing

Grief and love are profoundly intertwined. Each year, I hear dozens of stories from grieving individuals, and each one takes me back to my own pain. I can relate to their suffering, reflecting the deep love they have for their love one that has passed on. These courageous souls have shown me that grief and love are not just connected; they are essentially the same.

Typically, when we think of love, we imagine the love a parent has for a child, family, friends, and romance. We seldom associate it with the intense pain, sadness, and despair of grief. Yet, grief is love that has transformed into something so painful that we struggle to recognize it as love.

Grief is rooted in our ability to love and be loved. Despite knowing that every relationship will eventually change form, we still choose to love. When that page turns, the depth of our grief mirrors the depth of our love. We possess an extraordinary ability to simultaneously feel heartache and gratitude for having known and loved our loved one. Beneath the layers of sadness and loneliness, love remains, and love endures.

When we lose someone we love, the pain can be almost unbearable. As long as this pain is intense, we feel deeply connected to our loved one. As the intensity of the pain decreases and we experience fewer moments of acute grief, we often fear we are losing our connection to our loved one. However, we are not losing our connection; love is simply returning to a more manageable, less painful state. Eventually, we begin to recognize it as the enduring love we have always felt.

Grief is a timeless expression of our love. Where there is deep grief, there is great love.

To fully embrace love, we must also embrace the right to grieve. Living and loving fully depend on our ability to navigate both love and grief.

Understanding the Depth of Grief

Grief is a profound and multifaceted emotion that we all encounter at some point in our lives. Having someone we love pass on can feel overwhelming, as if the very air we breathe has been taken away. This grief is the price we pay for love, a testament to the depth of our love.

I’ve learned firsthand that each person's journey through grief is unique. Some days, you can feel despair and heartache, while other days, you can be filled with immense gratitude for the person who blessed your life. 

About nine months into my own grief, I realized that the grief would never go away because the love would never go away. In a way, this brought me peace as I began to understand that grief and love are just different sides of the same coin.

The tragic gap between the life we want and the life we have is often frequented by the grieving heart. The emotional pain experienced when a loved one dies can be so unbearable that it can seem easier to remain suspended in non-acceptance, replaying "if onlys" and "what ifs" for months or even years. This psychic defense against the permanence of death is a common struggle. When someone we love dies, life as we know it changes irrevocably and we can realize how very little control we have over it all. 

Sudden or shocking losses can fragment our sense of self, strip us of our identity, and make us feel like we're drowning in a sea of sorrow while the rest of the world carries on as normal. The loneliness, the isolation, and the feeling of being forgotten by a world that now seems unfamiliar and unkind can be overwhelming. Our comfort zone shrinks, our social circles may vanish, and our world becomes a smaller place, seen through the lens of loss.

When the world seems to retreat from you in the wake of your grief, it can feel like you're navigating a desolate landscape. The sense of isolation and the shrinking of your comfort zone are deeply challenging. Here are some steps you can take to help yourself through this difficult time:

• Reach Out for Support: Seek out support from those who understand grief. This might include friends and family who can offer empathy, or support groups where you can connect with others who are experiencing similar losses. Sharing your feelings with someone who truly listens can make a significant difference.
• Seek Professional Help: Consider talking to a therapist or counselor who specializes in grief. They can provide guidance, coping strategies, and a safe space to explore your feelings.
• Practice Self-Compassion: Be gentle with yourself. Understand that it’s okay to feel overwhelmed and that healing is a gradual process. Allow yourself to experience your emotions without judgment.
• Create New Routines: As your world has shifted, creating new routines and rituals can provide a sense of stability. This might include small daily practices that bring comfort or a new hobby that allows for personal expression.
• Honor Your Loved One: Find meaningful ways to remember and celebrate the person you've lost. This might be through personal rituals, creating a memorial, or continuing traditions that keep their memory alive.
• Engage in Activities that Bring Joy: Even amidst the pain, find moments that bring you solace or joy. Engaging in activities that uplift your spirit can provide a temporary respite from the grief.
• Build or Reconnect with Supportive Relationships: While some social circles may diminish, focus on nurturing relationships that offer understanding and support. Building new connections can also provide a sense of belonging and comfort.
• Allow Yourself to Grieve at Your Own Pace: Everyone’s grief journey is different. Don’t rush your process or feel pressured to meet certain expectations. Allow yourself to grieve in your own time and in your own way.

Remember, it’s okay to take small steps and to ask for help when needed. Your feelings are valid, and it’s important to give yourself the space to navigate your grief while finding new ways to move forward with gratitude and love as your guiding light forward.

Embracing the Grieving Process

I don't think we ever truly heal from the passing of a loved one. It's something we can navigate and honor, but since love never dies, it makes sense that the pain of their passing lives within us. We can cope with the pain with intention by honoring it and having gratitude for the gift the person was and always will be in our lives.

Grief is a slow and patient journey. Whether we are crying for days or feeling numb and disconnected, every emotion we experience is valid. As we grieve, we may miss our loved ones deeply, yearning to hear their voice or feel their hug once more. This profound emotional pain underscores the depth of our love for them. It is essential to honor these feelings as we learn to live with the heartache of their passing.

The journey of grief is deeply personal, filled with highs and lows. It encompasses despair and moments of joy. By embracing the grieving process and allowing ourselves to feel every emotion, we can find a way to live well, even after such a significant loss. I often say, “The only way to deal with the pain is to acknowledge it and let it move through you.”  While the pain may always be with us, we can find solace in the enduring love we hold for those who have passed before us, and through this, we can begin to heal.

Grief and Love: A Profound Connection

The journey of grief shows how strong our bond was with the loved one we lost. It's filled with a spectrum of emotions, that for many, present unchartered territory. Yet, it also shows the depth of our love and the importance of the person in our lives.

As we go through grieving, it helps to find ways to honor and celebrate the love we have with our loved one who has passed. This might mean journaling, seeking grief support, or asking God for guidance. 

For me, it meant starting the #hersmile Nonprofit to honor families, like ours, who had experienced the devastating loss of a dependent child. By engaging in these acts of remembrance and tribute, we give action and movement to our grief, allowing it to flow through us like a river's waters. This approach helps us process our emotions, keeping the grief dynamic and integrated into our lives, rather than letting it stagnate.

As I shared above, grief and love are two sides of the same coin. They show the deep human experience of cherishing someone and mourning their passing. By embracing this connection, we can find solace and strength in the memories, the gifts, and the love that stays with us, even after a great loss.

Love’s Forever Gift

Dealing with loss and grief is incredibly tough, but it can also be a profound opportunity for growth. For me, learning to live with grief and love meant understanding that, yes, something did die inside me the day my daughter passed away. However, it wasn't the kind of death most of us think of. It was the death of the illusion of how I had envisioned life would be for me. This kind of loss is equally challenging and often overlooked when discussing the death of a loved one.

I realized that when my daughter passed away, I was grieving not only her presence but also the life we would never have together. I mourned the countless things we would not experience, the future I had imagined for us as mother and daughter, and the family moments that would never come to be.

Over time, I discovered that within love and grief, there is a treasured box. When the time is right, each of us has the opportunity to open this box and find the gifts that we shared and received from each other. Life does not offer guarantees, but those who touch our lives with such profound love leave us with forever gifts that never die.

Feeling Love Amidst the Pain

The pain of losing someone can be overwhelming, but don't forget the enduring love that remains. Holding onto those memories and the deep connection you shared can bring peace and moments of joy. Allow the love in your heart to show you the strength of your bond.

Be kind to yourself as you heal. It's a slow process, filled with ups and downs. With time and care, the love you hold will guide you and help you live in a way that honors your loved one and cherishes the present moment.