March 17, 2026

How to Trust Yourself Again When Life Has Shattered Your Certainty

If you’ve experienced the devastating loss of someone who was your world, you know they take with them the life you thought you knew and leave behind something so unfamiliar it’s hard to put into words. The routines you shared are suddenly gone.  The conversations that once filled your days… gone. And the version of yourself who moved through life with some sense of normalcy…gone. It’s normal for people to expect grief to bring sadness, but what they don’t expect is how much it can shake every single detail of your life. You may notice things like:
  • feeling overwhelmed and lost • emotions that seem unpredictable • moments when you think, I don’t feel like myself anymore
What I’m describing here is something many people experience after a profound loss, even though it is rarely talked about openly. Grief not only brings sadness, but it also turns your life completely upside down.   And here’s the thing.  There is nothing wrong with us.  Our pain and navigating a life we no longer recognize is a reflection of how deeply connected our life was to the person we lost.  One of the most confusing parts of this process is the feeling that we can no longer rely on ourselves as we once did. We might question our memory. We might wonder whether we are reacting appropriately to situations. Some days we may feel strong and steady, while other days the simplest tasks feel overwhelming. This fluctuation is a common part of grief, even though many people feel alone in experiencing it. Rebuilding that sense of steadiness rarely happens through dramatic breakthroughs. More often, it happens through small and practical steps that gradually reconnect us with ourselves. Learning to move forward after loss does not mean forgetting the person you loved or pretending life has not changed. Instead, it means learning how to live in a world that feels different while slowly regaining confidence in your own ability to create anew within it. There are a few simple practices that can help during this stage of grief. They are not quick fixes, and they do not remove the pain of loss. What they can do is help you rebuild trust in your own thoughts, feelings, and decisions as you begin to find your footing again.
  1. Start with very small decisions. When life feels unfamiliar, even simple choices can feel overwhelming. Instead of trying to solve everything at once, focus on the next small decision in front of you. I call this the ‘one piece of paper a day’ method.  It might be choosing what to eat, stepping outside for a few minutes of fresh air, or resting when you feel tired. These small choices gently remind you that you are still capable of guiding your life forward. The key here is to start small, but start.
  2. Ask yourself what you need right now. During difficult moments, pause and quietly ask yourself, What do I need right now? Don’t be surprised if your mind instantly barks back and says, “I need them back!”  This is completely normal.  Give yourself love when this message comes through and then give yourself space, rest, a walk, or a conversation with someone you trust. Learning to listen to your own needs again is one way self-trust slowly begins to return.
  3. Allow someone you trust to see what you’re going through. I didn’t always show my grief to the world.  I guess I was better at writing about it if I’m being completely honest.  I guess it’s because grief can feel incredibly isolating. But sharing how you’re feeling with a trusted friend, family member, counselor, or support group can help lighten the emotional weight. Being seen and understood reminds you that you don’t have to navigate this unfamiliar life alone.
  4. Take breaks when your emotions feel overwhelming. There will be moments when the intensity of grief rises unexpectedly. When that happens, give yourself permission to pause. Step outside, take a few slow breaths, or simply sit quietly for a moment. These small pauses help your mind and body settle so you can continue moving through the day.
  5. Move at your own pace. Grief does not follow a schedule, and I agree there is no “right way” to heal. But maybe where I differ from some is that there is a way.  Some days may feel steady, while others feel heavy again. This ebb and flow is normal. Giving yourself permission to move forward at your own pace creates space for processing your grief to unfold naturally.
Little by little, the unfamiliar life that grief leaves behind becomes more navigable. I don’t think our grief ever leaves us, but I believe grief becomes a sacred space of remembrance and gratitude because inside grief is a love so powerful it carries you forward to slowly finding your footing again.

hersmile

Embark on a profound journey of resilience and spiritual growth with Dena M. Derenale-Betti, a mother who bravely navigated the depths of grief after the tragic accident that took the life of her 14-year-old daughter. Her incredible story unfolds as she transcends the pain and devastation of loss, transforming her understanding of life’s purpose. Through her intimate and powerful blogs on hersmile.org, her books—including You Are Stronger Than You Know, My Daughter Told Me So and her newest release When Grief and Loss Won’t Shut Up—and the heartfelt courses she creates in the space of grief, loss, and resilience, Dena offers tools and hope to others walking this difficult path. Her roles as a mother of three daughters, wife, friend, community leader, and business owner reflect her dedication to building loving connections and contributing to the world around her. A graduate of the University of San Francisco, where she played on the school’s inaugural golf team, Dena is passionate about personal growth and believes that love can conquer all. As you immerse yourself in her captivating journey, remember to find your own strength and cherish the power that love holds in shaping our lives.


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