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Guide to Moving…

Guide to Moving When You’re Grieving, by Lucille Rosetti,

There is no wrong way to grieve the loss of a loved one. It will take its toll in a myriad of ways, and even during recovery, there will be moments of immense sadness. You must take care of yourself during this time, as hard as that may be. Part of that may include seeking a new home for a fresh start. It can be overwhelming on deciding where to begin, which is why we have compiled this guide to help you during your time of grief.

Dealing With Possessions

Let’s begin by stating that there is no right or wrong way to hold onto or let go of a loved one’s possessions. It is up to you to decide if it’s right to give things away, sell them, or keep them as physical memories. Take the time you need, however long that is, before you begin because it will be emotionally exhausting. When you do feel ready, start by setting limits for yourself by deciding how much space you can dedicate to keeping items in your new home. If you have items that hold sentimental value, but are not practical to keep, consider taking a picture of the item to help you remember it. Sort everything thoroughly and label boxes clearly so you do not have to worry about mixing things up and accidentally giving away something of emotional value. Do your utmost to release feelings of guilt, if they surface, while you donate, sell, or gift your loved one’s things. Your loved one wouldn’t want you suffering any more than you already have, and most people can’t afford to indefinitely maintain a storage unit full of things they won’t use.

Picking an Agent

At this time, it’s understandable if you’re going to need help selling your home. A selling or listing agent can assist you with managing this stressful situation. You will want to be vigilant in choosing the right agent. Just because an agent gives you the lowest quote with the highest price tag for your home doesn’t mean that this is the agent you should choose. You will want someone who knows precisely how to handle your home for the best outcome. Choose someone who has an excellent history and remember that the larger the companies the agents represent, the more money they have at their disposal to advertise your home. When buying a new home, make sure to research home prices in your area.   For a home in Martinez, CA, the median listing price is $612,000.

Get Extra Help

Some days will be a real challenge. Packing up an entire home, having to go through all the memories of each item, and then loading up whatever vehicle you have at your disposal, however many trips it takes, can be overwhelming. It may benefit you to hire professional packers and movers to help make the transition to a new residence go smoother. As with an agent, do your research and make sure you get the most reputable company possible. Start by getting quotes from several companies in writing, and then compare rates and read up on reviews about the companies you have chosen. You want a company who has a reputation of treating customers and their households with respect.

Bring Memories With You

Just because you’re moving, whether to get a fresh start or because you cannot afford your current home, does not mean you’re forsaking the memory of your loved one. All you are doing is making your life simpler and less stressful. To make the transition easier for you, you may want to make dedicated areas for your loved one’s belongings. Incorporate these items into your home so you can see them regularly, use them, and be reminded of your happy days together.

No two people will experience grief the same way. What works for someone may not work for another, which is why it is important for you to be open with yourself and your loved ones about what you need. Allow yourself to experience grief as it happens. And always remember, you’re not alone.

Image courtesy of Pixabay


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Why It Works…

Let’s consider a time in our lives when we found ourselves heartbroken,
stressed or dancing with joy. For me, I instantly think of the day my 14-yearold
daughter passed away. I’m betting the time you choose didn’t just
happen as a consequence of nothing. Something must have
happened…maybe something really bad happened or for that matter, maybe
something amazing happened for this to be a meaningful memory to
you. The point is…something happened that caused you to have an
emotional response!

Emotions do not stand alone. They are our internal interpretation of our
external world. Generally in life if we feel happy it’s related to us gaining
something in life, we’ve progressed…moved forward. The opposite is true
with negative feelings within us. Our inside worlds are completely affected
by our interpretation of our outside worlds. This is HUGE and, yet, for most of
us we are unaware of the thoughts that run through us!

Of course our emotions live on the inside of us but consider for just a moment
how the quality of our inside lives are directly impacted by the quality of the
circumstances, situations and relationships we find outside ourselves. And
this is how we work as human beings. There are always triggers on the
outside of us that cause us our emotions.

Thoughts play a foundational and crucial role in our lives but when you really
think about it, where’re not even in control of every thought that pops into
our heads. But what we are in control of are the thoughts we choose to
focus on. You might disagree and say you are in control of all the thoughts
that pop into your mind but I would like you to consider all the negative
thoughts and all the self-defeating thoughts that pop into your mind. Are you
in control of all those thoughts as well? Do you really like those thoughts so
much that you choose to have them pop into your mind? The answer is
“no…of course not.”

I turned my attention to the awareness of my thoughts when Jenna passed
away. I knew that it would be my thoughts around my beautiful daughter’s
passing that would either destroy me or somehow propel me forward.
If you think of it, do people settle for unfulfilled, depressed or anxious
lives because they are in complete control of their emotions? No, because
learning to manage our emotions is a skill that, for most of us, we were never
formally taught.

So people will say that this happened to me or that person said something to
me; therefore, it’s that situation’s fault or that person’s fault for why I feel the
way I do or for why I act the way I do. But this actually demonstrates a
complete lack of responsibility for our inside worlds.

When you think of it…none of us has a problem when our lives are going
well. We don’t get depressed or anxious when we’ve got everything we want
in life. But we do experience negative emotional states either when we don’t
have what we want, we don’t know how to get what we want or we don’t
actually understand how we operate from the inside out.

Situations in life happen and then the quality of our thoughts will determine
how we feel. Whether we are able to master and manage our emotions in life
will determine if we’re able to master and control our behaviors. This is the

By becoming the objective observer of your own thoughts, we will begin to
create a beautiful life for ourselves despite all the circumstances of our outside
worlds. I am living proof that it truly works.

Click Here For Week #4 Video>>>

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Personal Responsibility

It was a shock wave that propagated through me. An energy so strong I struggled to managed its force. I was fully aware of the whole of my heart shattering within me.

For most of us the pain in our lives isn’t so distinctive. There is no sudden loss or tragic event to point your finger to and childhood traumas, life disappointments and bewailing thoughts have long drifted to that unconscious part of our being…so far pushed to the back of our minds we are clueless to their ravaging existence within us.

I guess in this case I was one of the lucky ones…one who could pinpoint the root of their pain. In a moment it erupted within me. It was glaringly obvious and for that, I guess I was lucky because I knew in that moment I had a huge decision to make. I could take responsibility for what I was going to do with the cards I had been dealt or I could curl up and die inside.

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But what about those whose heartaches, challenges and insecurity have drifted so far back in their subconscious that recognition of their existence is virtually impossible? They don’t realize the road they have walked…from childhood to now has deeply shaped them. And without the proper amount of grit and personal responsibility, their lives fall short of expressing all the beauty and power that lies within them.

During Oprah’s Lifeclass on Taking Responsibility for Your Life, she said, “If you are sitting around waiting on someone to save you, to fix you, to even help you, you are wasting your time. What matters is now, this moment and your willingness to see this moment for what it is, accept it, forgive the past, take responsibility and move forward. Take responsibility for the life you want to have.”

Those are powerful words from a very insightful woman!

Like Oprah said, people from every course of life have the ability to take responsibility for their life and it doesn’t matter how difficult our lives have been or how tragic our circumstances have been…we have the power to take personal responsibility.

But working for things is both liberating and totally scary.

Taking full responsibility for your life means you . . .

  • make your own choices and decisions;
  • you create the life you want based on your belief and values;
  • you’re free from the depression and anxiety of not living up to the outside world;
  • and you experience the joy of being authentically yourself.

But it’s also frightening because you . . .

  • can no longer blame others for your failures and disappointments;
  • can’t cling to the thoughts and traumas that have become your story of how you define yourself;
  • have to let go of the old you  and create the masterpiece of your authentic self.

However, I know all too well that once we take personal responsibility for the lives we want to have despite our frustrations, headaches and traumas, we have then created a fertile ground to plant our seeds for amazing personal growth. Then and only then are we able to grow to our highest potential and its also then that those fears begin to dissipate.

YOU deserve to have an amazing life…not just a “mediocre” life! Go get it!

So let’s jump right in. My job is to help coach you on a path of self-discovery.

Get yourself into a quiet place with a pen and pad of paper and not behind the wheel of a moving vehicle!

Reflect on the questions presented on this lessons…be as honest with yourself as possible.  These are your private notes.

  • What have I been doing, and continue to do, in my life that I know is NOT working for me?
  • Why have I not yet taken action to ‘course correct’ my journey in order to get different results?
  • What am I procrastinating about doing?
  • What negative habits do I have that I know I need to let go of?
  • Did I invest my attention, time or resources into my personal growth, knowledge, wellbeing and/or happiness in the past year in any way?
  • What goal, dream or aspiration do I have for myself for the coming 12 months that I’m ready to make happen? Where is fear currently controlling me?

Many people live completely disempowered lives because they haven’t taken full responsibility for their lives. As mentioned previously, many individuals believe that they are ‘victims’ of the circumstances that life throws them. Now, although bad things do happen in life, we always have a choice as to how we act and respond to our circumstances.

Oprah said, “Turn Your Wounds into Wisdom” and Estee Lauder said, “I didn’t get there by wishing for it, or hoping for it, but by working for it.”

And like me, you find that things are easier and life is more enjoyable because you are creating it on your own terms rather than reacting to it.

So what are the secrets to living a self-empowered life?  The real secret is awareness and we’ll be jumping deeper into that topic next week. Once you are aware that you are giving away your power through fear and blaming, you are more than halfway there. But there are some specific mind shifts and actions that can help you.

I am honored to pay forward all the love that has been given to our family after my daughter Jenna’s passing, click the link below to learn more about the rewards of having someone positively support you.

Learn how to:

Examine Yourself
Take a hard look at your life to see where you might be giving away your power. How are you letting other people define or control you or your behavior? Who are you blaming for your situation? What is your contribution to a conflict or life circumstance? What are you avoiding and what excuses are you giving yourself and others?

Take a hard look at your life to see where you might be giving away your power.

  • How are you letting your circumstances define or control you or your behavior?
  • Are you blaming anyone for your situation? If so, who?
  • How are you contributing to the level of fulfillment in your life?
  • Are you tired of not living your life to its full potential? If so, what are you doing about it?

Kill the Victim
Self-empowered people don’t see themselves as victims. They view themselves as the creator, the one who holds responsibility over the outcome of their lives, they do not relinquish their power and ultimately they decide on the path they want to take despite their circumstances.

To take control of your own life, you must let go of the victim mentality. But be warned, the victim within you may be very difficult to identify. It could be deeply entrenched in your psyche from being victimized in the past. Sometimes it even feels good to be a victim because it brings sympathy and attention. But that’s all you get from it. And sympathy and attention aren’t enough for a happy life.

Drop Your Story
Part of being a victim involves perpetuating the identify you’ve created for yourself.  It’s the part of you that says…”I am the way I am and I behave the way I do because this happened to me in my life.”

All of us have these stories, and they are based in truth. You were never good enough as a child. Your heart was broken. You have endured great loss. Everyone has suffered, and some have had truly horrifying or debilitating life events. But if you use these situations as the constant mental recording for your life, you will NEVER escape being the leading character of a sad story. The more you reinforce your story, the more entrenched you become in it. Therefore…create the story you WANT to live!

Fake It Until You Feel It
Becoming a self-empowered person doesn’t happen overnight. You have to practice. You need to model the things that self-empowered people do until you gain mastery and confidence.

Begin by actively shifting your thoughts away from victim language and toward success language. Try to catch yourself in thoughts of blame, shame, guilt, or self-pity. Then replace those thoughts with words of gratitude, self-love, forgiveness and acceptance.

Ask yourself what you feel about yourself and your life. Notice what the voice inside you says and write it down.

If the voice was negative, how could you rephrase the sentence to express gratitude, self-love, forgiveness and acceptance? Write your answer down.

Seek Reinforcement
I have always said it’s the strong that seek help. Self-empowered people embrace positive support. Asking for help does not mean you are weak or incapable. It means you are empowered enough to take full responsibility for your soul’s evolution. It means you are seeking to model human thoughts and behaviors that produce the results you want in your life.

This help can come in the form of books, courses, therapy, coaching, and the counsel of friends and family. Everyone, even the most self-empowered, can benefit from the support and insights of others who have our best interest at heart.

It’s possible to surround yourself with a model of self-empowerment right NOW!, click the following link to find out how you can join our empowerment class.

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No One is Broken

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I knew I needed to keep moving forward…somehow keep breathing even though pain roared through me.  I knew I needed to do a lot to help my family but all I wanted to do was rewind my life to sweeter days.  Have you ever felt like that? Have you ever felt devastated…like you wanted to go back in time and fix everything?  If so, remember that feeling…remember that feeling in your stomach…the gasping for breath…that screaming within you?   Remember feeling you were broken and not knowing how to pick up the pieces?  Remember seeing the imperfection of your life staring back at you?

Wow!  Just reading that is depressing!  But honestly I think it’s hard to get through life unscathed and not feeling like something inside us is broken or imperfect.  I think it’s because life is challenging.  But I also think it’s meant to be… because I believe we are all here to learn powerful lessons, albeit some harder than others.  And it’s those of us that don’t embrace our lessons that are forced to continue to face the same challenges over and over again in our lives.  And let me tell you…that is for the birds!

What I’ve come to learn is that our circumstances and experiences in life can leave us feeling broken but the power within us is never broken unless we personally allow it to be.  When you really think about it… we are pretty bad ass!   The fact that we have that much internal power is not to be taken lightly.

That’s why I’m so excited about our Conversational Change weekly video series.  The enclosed video only scratches the surface and is a broad stroke look at the year’s topics.  But we’re going to dive deeper every week with the introduction of strategies, personal stories and tools you can use…not because you need to but because you want to have the most amazing life you can!  And I’m here to tell you…you deserve to (we’ll talk more about that in the weeks to come as well!)

We look forward to seeing you weekly on our #hersmile Facebook page Thursday evenings at 7:00 p.m.

P.S. If you tried tuning in last night at 7:00 p.m., we apologize for the technical difficulties we were having!  We’re learning on the job over here so we thank you for your patience.

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Pope Francis 2018

“You can have flaws, be anxious, and even be angry, but do not forget that your life is the greatest enterprise in the world. Only you can stop it from going bust. Many appreciate you, admire you and love you. Remember that to be happy is not to have a sky without a storm, a road without accidents, work without fatigue, relationships without disappointments.  To be happy is to find strength in forgiveness, hope in battles, security in the stage of fear, love in discord. It is not only to enjoy the smile, but also to reflect on the sadness.

It is not only to celebrate the successes, but to learn lessons from the failures.  It is not only to feel happy with the applause, but to be happy in anonymity. Being happy is not a fatality of destiny, but an achievement for those who can travel within themselves.   To be happy is to stop feeling like a victim and become your destiny’s author.  It is to cross deserts, yet to be able to find an oasis in the depths of our soul.  It is to thank God for every morning, for the miracle of life. Being happy is not being afraid of your own feelings.  It’s to be able to talk about you.   It is having the courage to hear a “no”.  It is confidence in the face of criticism, even when unjustified.   It is to kiss your children, pamper your parents, to live poetic moments with friends, even when they hurt us.

To be happy is to let live the creature that lives in each of us, free, joyful and simple. It is to have maturity to be able to say: “I made mistakes”.  It is to have the courage to say “I am sorry”.  It is to have the sensitivity to say, “I need you”. It is to have the ability to say “I love you”.   May your life become a garden of opportunities for happiness …

That in spring may it be a lover of joy.  In winter a lover of wisdom.  And when you make a mistake, start all over again.  For only then will you be in love with life.  You will find that to be happy is not to have a perfect life.  But use the tears to irrigate tolerance. Use your losses to train patience. Use your mistakes to sculpture serenity.  Use pain to plaster pleasure.  Use obstacles to open windows of intelligence.   Never give up …. Never give up on people who love you.   Never give up on happiness, for life is an incredible show.”

(Pope Francis). HAVE PROSPEROUS NEW YEAR / January 1, 2018

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You Are Enough

2017 has been a challenging year for me…as if I could handle any more challenges in my life. I’ve prayed a lot to God to please show me the way and to please give me the wisdom to walk through the doors I’m supposed to walk through.

I’ve given my heart and soul to #hersmile…working every week hours over the sum of a full time job. Yet even with those efforts there’s been delays and challenges. So much so that I often wonder if the universe is trying to communicate something to me despite my heart telling me to keep going and that our work is desperately needed.

A couple of weeks back, I hit a breaking point. I was in a minor accident with my daughter. That was about all I could take at that point. I was angry. I was angry at life which has never been me. But enough is enough. I was bitterly upset and at the lowest point I’ve been since Jenna’s passing.

So that night, in the quiet of my mind, I ranted to God, “Really…Since Jenna has passed away I’ve done my best to celebrate my love for her out into the world. I told you I didn’t want to be bitter, I wanted to be better. I have wanted my love for Jenna to make a difference in the world but you haven’t made life at all more manageable…as a matter of fact you’ve made it harder! And you know what I mean…this year has been one delay, one hurdle, one difficulty more than I can handle. Are you trying to break me? You already know I’m on your side. In a crazy world marred by pain and suffering…I’m on YOUR side! I’m trying to do your work. I’m trying to make a loving difference in honor of the most beautiful thing that exist…a parent’s love for their child. But you seem not to care. It feels like you’re pushing me away…I don’t know what more you want from me…,” I closed my eyes and began to weep.

I’m always completely authentic with you and honestly I’m not completely proud of everything I said to God that night, mostly because I made it seem like God owed me. God doesn’t owe me anything…since my rant to God, I’ve been gifted with several special conversations with friends and family. I realized it’s not God that owes me, it’s me that owes me. I owe myself love, patience and compassion and I need to acknowledge I have done enough.

You see, up until now I haven’t been content to help one person through #hersmile because I always tell myself that’s not enough. In telling myself over and over again, “It’s not enough”…I see now that I’ve attracted more of not having enough into my life.

Next week is our 2017 Twilight Gala Italiano in honor of Jenna’s 18th Birthday. Ticket sales have been slow and, again, my initial reaction is it’s just not enough. But STOP…it is enough. When you give everything you’ve got…it is enough. You and I can’t control anyone but ourselves. I can wholeheartedly say we have done an incredible job planning the Gala and I’m so proud of all of our efforts. I haven’t failed in any area and yet I have to let go…that is the hardest thing…letting go…because I have naively mistaken it as failure.

May we always remember that we are enough because I know I’m still working on it ❤️

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My Home Is Gone

I received a text early in the morning on Monday, October 9th.  It was from Jody, my college teammate.  It read, “My home is gone.”

I was confused.  Jody lives in Santa Rosa and I had just been in Santa Rosa two days prior for an amazing wedding.  Everything seemed perfectly fine when we were there and I had only briefly heard of a fire in Napa.  But having grown up in Northern California I assumed it was high atop one of Napa’s mountain ranges and out of harm’s way.   I never smelled smoke…so how in the world could this be happening?  How could Jody be telling me her home was gone?

Immediately, I picked up the phone and called Jody, admittedly a bit dazed and confused on my part.  She tells me everything.  She tells me about the 1 o’clock call in the middle of the night from her neighbor, how she was out of town visiting her mom’s cabin at the time and how all she has is literally the clothes on her back.

I do not try to tell her everything is going to work out. I do not tell her she’s lucky she’s safe and everyone in her family is safe.  I know all too well there are no words that can help at times like these so I just listen and soak in the trauma and heartache.  The fact of the matter is loss is loss no matter how we cut it.  Jody began to compare herself to me and she began to question her pain as if it didn’t measure up to mine.  “I lost my home…you lost your daughter,” she said “I shouldn’t be feeling so devastated.”

“Please don’t compare the two,” I said.  “Loss is loss and it hurts no matter its delivery and no matter its punch.”  She didn’t have much time to talk.  What about my dad?  His medication?  My Mom? What about my job?  What am I going to wear to work?  On and on the questions flowed and understandably, in the moment, there were no answers.

Post Trauma Bears Its Ugly Head

Ever since last year when Paul, my husband, went to the emergency room, I discovered I had a whole bunch of trauma lurking around inside me.   After talking to Jody I found myself feeling so sad and helpless.  Jody’s loss was stirring up the feelings of my own loss.  “Jenna,” I thought….oh how I understand the devastation of loss.  By Tuesday I felt catatonic.  That feeling you get when you just feel immobile.  I knew the signs, I had taken on too much emotionally charged energy  and I only have so many resources to draw upon.  So I did something that goes against my grain.  I took a break.  During that time, I read and napped. I have learned over these last three years that sometimes we have to take steps backwards in order to take leaps forward.  By evening I spoke with my sister about my emotional reaction and she helped me by coming up with the idea to start a GoFundMe for Jody.   She said, “Dena, this way you can help without feeling like you have to take care of all the details yourself.”

I continue to understand that walking in other people’s traumas and tragedies has a way of stirring up my own feelings of loss, sadness and helplessness but in the end I think it helps me better understand me and I know it’s a space I want to continue to make myself available to.

To help Jody, my teammate, please visit:

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A Child’s Grief Journey

When Jenna passed away in 2014, my younger daughters were only 11 and 9 years old. I knew from the onset that I would need to seek out help for them. I was not only devastated over my own loss but also over my girls’ loss. Our three girls were very close to each other. I was so worried about their happiness. Julia, my 11 year old, was agreeable to seeing a grief counselor but Gigi expressed that she just wanted to share her grief with Paul and I. We honored her wishes. I feared their ability to bounce back from something so catastrophic.

It has been three years now. Gigi will be 13 in less than a month. In that time, I have learned a lot about how children grieve and, for that matter, cope with life’s circumstances. I have witnessed how our minds manage our emotions and in doing so manage our actions. Without the proper coping skills; however, I have also witnessed how life can feel out of our control.

The most important thing I have been able to guide my girls with is helping them develop their own personal awareness of their thoughts, feelings and emotions. In our culture, kids and adults often consider upsets, stress and hurt a sign of weakness and I wanted my girls to know I believed the opposite is true. It’s the strong that seek help.

In my experience, this doesn’t come easy to anyone but without exception, every person throughout history who has experienced happiness despite their life’s circumstances has the ability to recognize the thoughts, feelings and emotions that lie within them. Then they are able to choose what thoughts they will give their energy to and create the life they want despite the challenges, loss and heartaches they’ve experienced in their past. That is real power.

The greatest impact, I feel, I have made on my girls is showing them what’s possible and that if mom can find happiness despite Jenna’s passing, so can they. But this isn’t something I want to just share with my biological children, I want to show all children that the ability to learn coping skills will change their lives for the better and if I can do it, so can they. You and I know that we cannot always spare them from the pain that comes with living a life but we can give them the awareness of their own personal power and how to direct that power in a way that will give them an amazing life.

Because of our family’s journey with the pain and suffering of loss, I am honored that #hersmile is currently shaping a Resiliency & Coping skills curriculum for two of our local schools. Current self-assessment data of pre-teens indicates that from 35% to 100% of 4th to 6th graders already report having difficulty coping with stress, anger or sadness which science has shown leads to problems with learning. Since coping skills are brain habits, by teaching our children these skills they will be prepared for the many emotional changes and challenges that affect our brain’s ability to get over stress, anger and sadness. Since feelings start in our brain, the more we learn about how our coping brain works, the more capable and confident our children will be for the rest of their lives.

by Dena Derenale Betti

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Often times, our loved ones who’ve died come to us in our dreams. Unlike most dreams however, these visits feel “real” – they don’t fade upon waking, and when recalled, feel more like a memory of a physical experience than the hazy events of nightly dreams.

“My sister and best friend all my life was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in October 2011. I did anything and everything for Karen up until the bitter end. I cooked her meals, went to all her chemo and doctor appointments, prepped her meals on the weekends for the week ahead, etc. One day when we were talking about stuff she wanted me to do after she was gone, I asked her if she was going to come back and see me. She said, “I will if I can.” She passed at home while I laid in bed with her. She was 61.

Karen never came to see me for a couple of years. I was pretty bummed out. One night I had a dream that I was in some sort of train or bus station. I turned around and she walked up. She was with two older men and I knew immediately that they were chaperones, and though I didn’t see their faces, they were wearing long white gowns. Karen walked right up to me. She looked like she was about 30. Clean face, no make-up, long, brown hair. She just smiled a little smile…like Mona Lisa. We just stared at each other. No words. And I woke up. It was SO real. I wouldn’t allow myself to go back to sleep for fear of forgetting this moment. I stayed awake the rest of the night. It was awesome.

The next time we saw each other was a year or so later and again in a dream. I was at a soccer game (my girls played soccer for 18 years and Karen went to nearly every game). I was in a stadium that had concrete bleachers. I was sitting up towards the top. I noticed a woman sitting several rows down. Every time I looked at her – and I could only see her back – she was up another row until she was just two rows below me. Then she turned around and it was Karen. She was older, shorter hair, but with that same little smile. I called out to her by name and she just sat there. I said something like, “What are you doing here?”, but she didn’t answer. She just kept smiling at me. When I woke up I again had that feeling of it being SO real…and again, I stayed awake so that I wouldn’t forget!”

Shared by Nancy D., San Diego