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What’s Your Love Language

There are many ways we can feel loved. While a quick search on the internet will quickly outline Gary Chapman’s five most common love languages i.e. words of affirmation, being of service, receiving gifts, quality time spent together and physical touch, how good is the information if we’re unable to utilize it in our own relationships? Think about it. Wouldn’t you love to be cared for in a way that felt complete? Absolutely!

By-and-large, my love language is words of affirmation. To me this means we listen to understand and affirm one another. We ask questions about each other’s lives and this allows us to weave ourselves into a deeper and richer relationship with one another. But the big shocker came to me recently with the realization that my love language just might be different than many of the people close to me. Shocker!

Yep! I’ve been spending years expecting certain people to ask me how I was doing, how work was going and how the family was. As close as these people are to me, I thought they would also ask about our challenges and how we were fairing. But with each interaction and milestone, more disappointment grew. Certain their lack of inquiry meant they didn’t care, I began to pull away.

And this, I’m convinced, is one of the biggest reasons relationships, of any kind, are so difficult. Perhaps we all speak different love languages, and so we complain that people close to us are unable to give us what we need.
So what happens when you speak a different love language from your partner, child, friend, parent or family member? First off, you’ll feel it. It might be difficult to detect at first, but it can lead to heightened emotions, misunderstandings and feelings of emptiness. It’s at this point that we start to pull back and stop trying.

We compare this to one person speaking English while the other person is speaking Cantonese. They may try to communicate with one another with the theatrics of a mime, but the fact of the matter is they do not understand a lick of what the other person is saying. This, ultimately, is how love languages work. If I’m showing you love in a way that does not compute with you, I am not only wasting my time but I’m also wasting yours and in the end we both feel empty and not understood.

So if you face relationships like this, then it’s time to start playing detective. Ask yourself how the person expresses any or all the five love languages to you? What expression of love do they use the most? Which of the five love languages do you express the most and which one does the person show most appreciation for?
Next, consider reinforcing your appreciation when love is expressed to you in your preferred love language. Do your best to help those close to you understand what makes you tick.

Finally, be bold and ask what language a person prefers. You may find after time that you start to fluently dance to each other’s love languages. And speaking of dancing, be patient with the process. Us humans can be a hard-headed bunch. I applaud you for working on this life changing habit to happiness.


Dena Betti is a monthly writer for the Community Focus. She is a graduate from the University of San Francisco, Executive Director of #hersmile Nonprofit and Certified Life Coach. Limited personal coaching slots available or sign-up for a Habits to Happiness workshop, visit http://strongerthanyouknow.com.

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The Case for Moving After a Tragic Loss

After the loss of a close loved one—in particular, a spouse, child, or parent—your entire world is different. The home you shared that once brought you joy is suddenly an echo chamber of memories that make it harder for you to move on. Or maybe it’s on a much larger scale than that. Maybe the town where you built a life together suddenly doesn’t feel like home anymore.

If this all rings too true, you are not alone. Many people find that relocating after a major loss of a loved one helps them move on.

It’s a good idea to wait until there’s been an appropriate amount of time after the loss to make any major decisions like selling your house or moving to a new city. Remember that moving is not a simple decision. It takes loads of planning plus the funds to see it through. You may have to find a new job on top of a place to live and resources such as medical care, and rebuild your entire support system and social circle. That’s why the decision to relocate cannot be made lightly—you must take time. Waiting at least six months to a year is a safe way to ensure you are not making an illogical and rash choice while your decision-making capabilities are clouded by grief.

If you’ve waited a fair amount of time, have the resources to make it happen, and finally decide that moving is the right choice for you, take the process slowly and carefully. Doing so will help reduce the amount of moving-related stress you experience. As you are still likely grieving, you want to reduce anxieties so you can focus on the positive aspects of this major life change.

Going Through Your Belongings

If you are going to move, you don’t want to haul a bunch of unnecessary things with you, especially if you’re moving into a smaller home. As tempting as it is to hold on to as many of your deceased loved one’s belongings as you can, it’s healthier to let many of them go. You can still keep some special mementos and items, of course. Here are some tips for going through your loved one’s belongings:

● Set a definite amount of space that will hold the things you intend to keep.

● Create a time frame in which you must start and complete your cleaning.

● If it’s not immediately useful or of important sentimental value, it goes.

● Clearly label the bags and boxes you plan to donate to make sure you don’t mix up items.

● Choose to donate to nonprofits and charities that meant something to your loved one.

Finding Your New Place

If you are looking for a new home to live in, you may be tempted to find something that is basically the same, simply relocated. While there is nothing wrong with seeking comfort in the familiar, remember that you are choosing to leave the familiar for a reason. What worked for your old life may not be best for this new chapter. Maybe you should look for somewhere smaller, or perhaps you’d be better off renting than paying for insurance and taxes on a new house. Before making any concrete decisions about where you want live or what kind of home you want to live in, ask yourself:

● Do I need or even want as much space as I used to have?

● Would I benefit from living closer to particular amenities or attractions? What kind of properties exist in that area?

● What can I afford? How much time and money do I want to put into upkeep of a property?

● Do I want extra rooms or space for company?

● What do I see my new life looking like?

Moving Day Essentials

If you want moving to be as stress free as possible, you need the help of experienced professional movers. Not only will they be able to help you organize and pack your belongings safely, but they also do the heavy lifting for you. Remember that grief actually weakens the body and immune system. You have to ensure your health and safety by getting help when you need it, especially in risky scenarios like moving.

Moving after a major loss is not a choice to be made lightly, but for many, it is the right choice. When getting rid of a loved one’s belongings, place boundaries for yourself and don’t keep more than you need. If you look for a new place, consider the changes you want to see in your new life post-loss. Finally, hire professionals to help you move during this time when your body is most vulnerable.

Lucille Rosetti

lucy@thebereaved.orgThe Bereaved

Image via Pixabay

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What Is Your Superpower

Are You Wasting Your Superpower?

Ask anyone on the street what superhero’s superpower they wish they had and I’m sure we’d hear things like mind-reading, being invisible, super strength, lightning speed, the ability to fly or, perhaps, the ability to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Above all, it’s fun to think about what life would be like if adventure and triumph were around every corner.

The most interesting thing to me is what we choose to do with the powers given to us as our birthright.  Think about it, many of our powers look the same from the outside, but from the inside we possess superpowers that are uniquely ours.

So with all the potential superpower that lies within us, why do so many of us squander it away?

For instance, I recently had a discussion in one of my workshops about a woman’s desire to lose weight.  She explained to me that she really wanted to lose the weight because it would help her feel better about herself.  Not to mention, she’d be setting a better example for her kids.  We talked about what she believed was holding her back.  It was clear to me that there wasn’t enough tension around her desire to lose weight that would catapult her into action. Meaning, she really didn’t want it bad enough, which ties right back into my point about our superpowers.

Think of every superhero’s tale.    They only bolt into action when chaos and stress magnify the tension on the lever within them.  Like when innocent people are being tormented by the hair-raising villain whose destruction upon Metropolis seems imminent.   This is when Clark Kent rips open his white pressed dress shirt and before the buttons have time to hit the ground, he morphs into Superman ready to save the day. 

Now I’m not trying to be funny here…okay…maybe just a little bit, but we work the exact same way.  We make a lot of excuses, get mildly comfortable and we get stuck. Bam! That’s the real reason we’re not living our best lives. When we finally become sick and tired of being sick and tired that’s when we use our superpowers.  When we feel broken, that’s when we use our superpowers. When we don’t have enough money to make ends meet, that’s when we use our superpowers.  When our pants no longer fit, that’s when we use our superpowers and on and on. 

So instead of waiting for tension to be thrust upon you in order to utilize the superpowers that lie within you, imagine yourself at the end of your life.  Ask yourself if you put your superpowers to good use during your lifetime.  If you think you could have used your superpowers more, then start learning how to tap into those powers right now.  

But how?

One of the best ways to create villainous tension in your life is to imagine if you ‘don’t’ do something what that may look like in your life moving forward. For example, imagine if you don’t get a grip on your expanding waistline.  Will you soon look like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man that was destroying New York City in the Ghostbusters (1984) motion picture? Will you have to lay flat on the ground to get your pants buttoned or be subject to elastic waistbands the rest of your days?   By stimulating your imagination through your brain’s visual cortex you also stimulate your brain’s amygdala and the amygdala means business.  This is the fight or flight center of your brain…call it __________________(Fill in your superhero name here).  This simple act of creating tension through using your imagination will quickly have you leaping tall buildings in a single bound!

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The Life of Joaquín “El Chapo” Guzmán…My Thoughts

My husband and I recently finished watching the Netflix series El Chapo, about the life of Joaquín “El Chapo” Guzmán, a Mexican drug lord who started trafficking as far back as the 1980s. 

I must admit that I’m not a huge T.V. buff; however, this series had me hook, line and sinker.  Don’t get me wrong, Guzmán is shear evil in my eyes but the psychology behind the man and the world he immersed himself, fascinates me.  Guzmán has admitted to killing somewhere between 2,000 to 3,000 people all for his own personal gain and power. 

And furthermore, he easily corrupted large portions of local police municipalities, U.S. DEA Agents, government officials and Mexico’s president with millions and millions of dollars in hush money.  It came out in the news this week that the president of Mexico, Enrique Pena Nieto may have received up to $100 million dollars from Guzmán, which bought him his freedom and continued operations. 

Now let’s consider the destruction his products have had on the United States and our vulnerability to fall victim to the destruction of drugs like cocaine, heroine and methamphetamine.  Illicit drugs have been on a steady increase in our country since the early 2000s and having witnessed an uncle’s life on drugs, it’s a self-sabotaging, destructive life to live.  I’m betting we all know someone who has been negatively affected by the desolation of drugs.

We are losing the war on drugs because we’re focused on the wrong part of the funnel.  We need to focus more on the top of the funnel…meaning a drug lord only has a business if he has customers.  It’s impossible to continually fill the top of the funnel when you focus on wellness in a society. Why take drugs if you already feel good?   If we fail to teach social and emotional wellness, what is going to change?  Nothing! 

We turn to drugs so that we can easily change our state and, for many, numb our emotional pain.  Our youth often take drugs to gain status and power amongst their peers.  If we don’t know, as a culture, how create wellness from the inside out and if we do not teach our children from young ages the social and emotional skills associated with wellness, then how in the world do we expect our children, friends, family members and co-workers to stop jumping into the top of the funnel?

The way I see it is focus on more drugs and you get more drugs, focus on teaching wellness and self-advocacy and we have a much better chance to put people like Joaquín “El Chapo” Guzmán out of business.

Agree?  Please share… 

#ElChapo #Guzmán #Drugs #wellness #SEL

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Why Starting Fresh This New Year May Be Harder than it Sounds

For most of us the New Year brings hope for a brighter tomorrow. Deep in our core we are all striving to improve our personal story. We want to look great, feel great emotionally and have enough money to experience all the things we dream of. It’s a pretty simple formula…right? And I’d be the first one to champion you to reach for the stars this new year, but the bitter fact of the matter is, for most of us, not much will change unless we learn to create new patterns and habits in our lives. I’m guessing that last sentence may not sound that encouraging but hear me out because there is a simple solution…

I read once that habits are both a blessing and a curse. I completely agree and let me tell you why. Our daily habits make life predictable, which in turn gives us daily direction and, for the vast majority of us, keeps us alive another day. That’s a blessing. But the primitive ‘fight or flight’ part of our brain loves predictability and absolutely disdains change and that can be a curse. But why?

The simple reason our brains find change so uncomfortable is because our brains do not have to work hard when daily routines are predictable. Think back a million years ago when our survival depended on our ability to avoid being eaten for dinner by a saber-toothed tiger. Our brains had to work on over drive. But we are not designed to sustain this degree of heightened response for long periods of time. Thus, the reason our brains love habits and predictability. They allow our brain to relax. And one last point…although the saber-toothed tiger is long gone from being an ongoing human threat, we still are driven by this primitive part of our brains which makes change and personal development very challenging. Predictability equals survival but it does not necessarily equal quality of life.

So how do we create lasting change and improve the quality of our lives when the primitive part of our brain stubbornly does not want us to change? 
Well the answer may be easier than we think. Knowing that this part of our brain loves predictability and hates change, the number one way to respect the role it plays in our survival is to work with it…not against it. That means slowing into the change you desire little by little by doing very small motivated task daily. Let me put some context around this so it makes this lesson come to life.

Ten months ago, a client of mine, who struggled terribly with procrastination and felt very stuck in her life, took on a very simple challenge I helped her create. She was tasked with caring for one procrastinated item a day. They were very small task that took only minutes to complete. Before long she painlessly found herself doing more and more towards her desired goal. Ten months later her life has transformed. By taking small, manageable daily steps towards her larger goal, she tricked the primitive part of her brain and is continuing to win it over.

And what’s great is we can all do the same thing. So remember, if the predictability of your life is not serving you, then there is a solution. Start taking small, consistent daily inspired action and watch your life transform in 2019.


By: Dena Betti
(Please share)

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My Thoughts About 2018

As I sit here to write to you, I find myself having one of those moments. You know the moment when gratitude is not at the forefront of your thoughts. Look…I’m not proud of these feelings but I need to be honest with you. I’m flooded by thoughts of the emotional challenges I’ve faced throughout this year, relationships that disappointed and, at times, resenting the fact that I am called to, once again, rise beyond my circumstances. Seriously, life seems so personal at times. All these feelings coming from a person who works everyday to find joy and happiness in her life. So, yes, I feel vulnerable sharing this with you, but you deserve my honesty.

So as 2018 comes to a close and I reflect back on the challenges, victories and lessons of the year, my feelings begin to shift, and gratitude begins to take over. For if it wasn’t for the hardships and disappointments I’ve faced throughout this year, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. I’m proud of that person.

As you reflect on your year, may you too, begin to appreciate and have gratitude for your life’s challenges. It’s easy to be grateful for what’s working in your favor. The real test; however, is to be grateful for what rocks you, provokes you and defies you. For what I know is that we typically do not choose growth unless the need for it is thrust upon us.

The true beauty in life, I have found, is being able to create the life you want around the circumstances and challenges that surround you. Remember, too, that you are never alone. We come to this life and this physical space so our souls have the ability to grow, learn and expand. Many of us fail because the circumstances we are faced with are just too difficult but those who, somehow…someway, find a way to tap into their personal power expand beyond measure and they are forever changed for the better.

My wish for you is that 2019 allows you to spread your wings and to fly. Continue to create the life you want in every moment. You will fail at times but, remember, the next moment is coming. Continue to create. Live your life with intention. Be conscious. Work on awareness. Practice understanding another person’s perspective, practice forgiveness and release with love people and circumstances that do not serve you. Use this template as your guide and you will experience an amazing new year.

Happy New Year! Sending you much love ~ Dena Betti

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Healing Sleep…

How to Get Some Healing Sleep Despite Your Loss

It’s hard to recover from the death of a love done, especially since the grief makes you sick, both mentally and physically. Not only are you at increased risk of depression, but you also have a weakened immune system that leaves you vulnerable to infection — and it’s nearly impossible to carry on while bearing the heavy burden of illness along with your emotional troubles.

Something needs to be done. Although it may seem mundane, a few changes to your life could make a huge difference in becoming yourself again and regaining hope in the future, and a good night’s rest is one of them. When you wake up feeling refreshed, you make the best of the day, then you lay your head on the pillow in the evening in a state of calm and even satisfaction. That leads to another good night’s rest, and on it goes.

That’s progress, and it all starts with the following steps.

Kick Some Bad Habits

Getting rid of bad habits could include things such as no coffee, tea or soda in the evening — or even the afternoon — as caffeine can keep you awake for hours after you’ve hit the sheets. The same goes for alcohol, which interferes with a number of metabolic functions and the internal clock that tells you when to go to bed.

Improve Your Diet

Nutritious meals spaced evenly throughout the day keep you energized when you need to be and drowsy when it’s time for sleep.If you want to speed up that process, try an evening snack that’s rich in the sleep-inducing hormone tryptophan like walnuts. Just remember to say “no” to fatty foods like pizza for dinner around bedtime.

Start Exercising

Take it from the scientists: Moving your body does wonders for your sleeping habits as long as you don’t pump iron right before bed, as that raises your body temperature and heart rate when you’re supposed to be cooling down. Instead, engage in some aerobic activity in the morning and afternoon so that you’re mentally and physically tired later on.

Change the Mattress

There’s a huge psychological effect present when you buy a new mattress: It symbolizes moving on with your life. While you’re at it, get a model that suits your preferred sleeping position, whether that’s on your back, stomach, or side. It makes a huge difference.

Redo Your Bedroom

Make your sleep space the ideal environment by blocking out any intruding light or sound with blackout blinds and a white noise machine. You may also learn more about your sleep habits and what’s keeping you awake with an intelligent sleep mask.

Address Air Quality

Those efforts mean little if your home is filled with indoor air pollution, which not only keeps you awake by irritating your breathing passages but harms your well-being through the inhalation of a variety of contaminants. This problem is easily solved through regular vacuuming, cleaning air filters, installing an air purifier and aerating yourinterior. When purchasing a filter, it’s important to pay attention to MERV ratings; the higher the number, the more effective the filter.

Learn to Relax

For many people, relaxing means zoning out in front of the television, but that’s not optimal, as light from the screen keeps you awake for hours even though you’re tired. Yoga, writing, or your favorite hobby are much better options, according to a writer with Inc.

Drink an Infusion

Maybe it’s the warmth of what’s in the mug that sends a signal to your brain that it’s time to hit the hay, or it could be something in the ingredients themselves. Whatever the reason, millions swear by infusions made from chamomile, valerian or lavender to drift off a bit faster.

Make It a Routine

An evening snack rich in tryptophan along with a hot infusion while strumming your guitar or scribbling in your journal. — a relaxing evening ritual can send you off to dreamland every night as long as you stick with it. And a writer with Nuvanna insists on keeping regular hours or your sleep-wake cycle will be thrown off completely.

This should do the trick to send you off to the land of restful slumber. Refreshed the next day, you can begin your recovery with a full heart.

Image via Pexels.

Written By:  Sara Bailey, info@thewidow.net, TheWidow.net

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Guide to Moving…

Guide to Moving When You’re Grieving, by Lucille Rosetti, www.thebereaved.org

There is no wrong way to grieve the loss of a loved one. It will take its toll in a myriad of ways, and even during recovery, there will be moments of immense sadness. You must take care of yourself during this time, as hard as that may be. Part of that may include seeking a new home for a fresh start. It can be overwhelming on deciding where to begin, which is why we have compiled this guide to help you during your time of grief.

Dealing With Possessions

Let’s begin by stating that there is no right or wrong way to hold onto or let go of a loved one’s possessions. It is up to you to decide if it’s right to give things away, sell them, or keep them as physical memories. Take the time you need, however long that is, before you begin because it will be emotionally exhausting. When you do feel ready, start by setting limits for yourself by deciding how much space you can dedicate to keeping items in your new home. If you have items that hold sentimental value, but are not practical to keep, consider taking a picture of the item to help you remember it. Sort everything thoroughly and label boxes clearly so you do not have to worry about mixing things up and accidentally giving away something of emotional value. Do your utmost to release feelings of guilt, if they surface, while you donate, sell, or gift your loved one’s things. Your loved one wouldn’t want you suffering any more than you already have, and most people can’t afford to indefinitely maintain a storage unit full of things they won’t use.

Picking an Agent

At this time, it’s understandable if you’re going to need help selling your home. A selling or listing agent can assist you with managing this stressful situation. You will want to be vigilant in choosing the right agent. Just because an agent gives you the lowest quote with the highest price tag for your home doesn’t mean that this is the agent you should choose. You will want someone who knows precisely how to handle your home for the best outcome. Choose someone who has an excellent history and remember that the larger the companies the agents represent, the more money they have at their disposal to advertise your home. When buying a new home, make sure to research home prices in your area.   For a home in Martinez, CA, the median listing price is $612,000.

Get Extra Help

Some days will be a real challenge. Packing up an entire home, having to go through all the memories of each item, and then loading up whatever vehicle you have at your disposal, however many trips it takes, can be overwhelming. It may benefit you to hire professional packers and movers to help make the transition to a new residence go smoother. As with an agent, do your research and make sure you get the most reputable company possible. Start by getting quotes from several companies in writing, and then compare rates and read up on reviews about the companies you have chosen. You want a company who has a reputation of treating customers and their households with respect.

Bring Memories With You

Just because you’re moving, whether to get a fresh start or because you cannot afford your current home, does not mean you’re forsaking the memory of your loved one. All you are doing is making your life simpler and less stressful. To make the transition easier for you, you may want to make dedicated areas for your loved one’s belongings. Incorporate these items into your home so you can see them regularly, use them, and be reminded of your happy days together.

No two people will experience grief the same way. What works for someone may not work for another, which is why it is important for you to be open with yourself and your loved ones about what you need. Allow yourself to experience grief as it happens. And always remember, you’re not alone.

Image courtesy of Pixabay

 

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Why It Works…

Let’s consider a time in our lives when we found ourselves heartbroken,
stressed or dancing with joy. For me, I instantly think of the day my 14-yearold
daughter passed away. I’m betting the time you choose didn’t just
happen as a consequence of nothing. Something must have
happened…maybe something really bad happened or for that matter, maybe
something amazing happened for this to be a meaningful memory to
you. The point is…something happened that caused you to have an
emotional response!

Emotions do not stand alone. They are our internal interpretation of our
external world. Generally in life if we feel happy it’s related to us gaining
something in life, we’ve progressed…moved forward. The opposite is true
with negative feelings within us. Our inside worlds are completely affected
by our interpretation of our outside worlds. This is HUGE and, yet, for most of
us we are unaware of the thoughts that run through us!

Of course our emotions live on the inside of us but consider for just a moment
how the quality of our inside lives are directly impacted by the quality of the
circumstances, situations and relationships we find outside ourselves. And
this is how we work as human beings. There are always triggers on the
outside of us that cause us our emotions.

Thoughts play a foundational and crucial role in our lives but when you really
think about it, where’re not even in control of every thought that pops into
our heads. But what we are in control of are the thoughts we choose to
focus on. You might disagree and say you are in control of all the thoughts
that pop into your mind but I would like you to consider all the negative
thoughts and all the self-defeating thoughts that pop into your mind. Are you
in control of all those thoughts as well? Do you really like those thoughts so
much that you choose to have them pop into your mind? The answer is
“no…of course not.”

I turned my attention to the awareness of my thoughts when Jenna passed
away. I knew that it would be my thoughts around my beautiful daughter’s
passing that would either destroy me or somehow propel me forward.
If you think of it, do people settle for unfulfilled, depressed or anxious
lives because they are in complete control of their emotions? No, because
learning to manage our emotions is a skill that, for most of us, we were never
formally taught.

So people will say that this happened to me or that person said something to
me; therefore, it’s that situation’s fault or that person’s fault for why I feel the
way I do or for why I act the way I do. But this actually demonstrates a
complete lack of responsibility for our inside worlds.

When you think of it…none of us has a problem when our lives are going
well. We don’t get depressed or anxious when we’ve got everything we want
in life. But we do experience negative emotional states either when we don’t
have what we want, we don’t know how to get what we want or we don’t
actually understand how we operate from the inside out.

Situations in life happen and then the quality of our thoughts will determine
how we feel. Whether we are able to master and manage our emotions in life
will determine if we’re able to master and control our behaviors. This is the
cycle.

By becoming the objective observer of your own thoughts, we will begin to
create a beautiful life for ourselves despite all the circumstances of our outside
worlds. I am living proof that it truly works.

Click Here For Week #4 Video>>>

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Personal Responsibility

It was a shock wave that propagated through me. An energy so strong I struggled to managed its force. I was fully aware of the whole of my heart shattering within me.

For most of us the pain in our lives isn’t so distinctive. There is no sudden loss or tragic event to point your finger to and childhood traumas, life disappointments and bewailing thoughts have long drifted to that unconscious part of our being…so far pushed to the back of our minds we are clueless to their ravaging existence within us.

I guess in this case I was one of the lucky ones…one who could pinpoint the root of their pain. In a moment it erupted within me. It was glaringly obvious and for that, I guess I was lucky because I knew in that moment I had a huge decision to make. I could take responsibility for what I was going to do with the cards I had been dealt or I could curl up and die inside.

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But what about those whose heartaches, challenges and insecurity have drifted so far back in their subconscious that recognition of their existence is virtually impossible? They don’t realize the road they have walked…from childhood to now has deeply shaped them. And without the proper amount of grit and personal responsibility, their lives fall short of expressing all the beauty and power that lies within them.

During Oprah’s Lifeclass on Taking Responsibility for Your Life, she said, “If you are sitting around waiting on someone to save you, to fix you, to even help you, you are wasting your time. What matters is now, this moment and your willingness to see this moment for what it is, accept it, forgive the past, take responsibility and move forward. Take responsibility for the life you want to have.”

Those are powerful words from a very insightful woman!

Like Oprah said, people from every course of life have the ability to take responsibility for their life and it doesn’t matter how difficult our lives have been or how tragic our circumstances have been…we have the power to take personal responsibility.

But working for things is both liberating and totally scary.

Taking full responsibility for your life means you . . .

  • make your own choices and decisions;
  • you create the life you want based on your belief and values;
  • you’re free from the depression and anxiety of not living up to the outside world;
  • and you experience the joy of being authentically yourself.

But it’s also frightening because you . . .

  • can no longer blame others for your failures and disappointments;
  • can’t cling to the thoughts and traumas that have become your story of how you define yourself;
  • have to let go of the old you  and create the masterpiece of your authentic self.

However, I know all too well that once we take personal responsibility for the lives we want to have despite our frustrations, headaches and traumas, we have then created a fertile ground to plant our seeds for amazing personal growth. Then and only then are we able to grow to our highest potential and its also then that those fears begin to dissipate.

YOU deserve to have an amazing life…not just a “mediocre” life! Go get it!

So let’s jump right in. My job is to help coach you on a path of self-discovery.

Get yourself into a quiet place with a pen and pad of paper and not behind the wheel of a moving vehicle!

Reflect on the questions presented on this lessons…be as honest with yourself as possible.  These are your private notes.

  • What have I been doing, and continue to do, in my life that I know is NOT working for me?
  • Why have I not yet taken action to ‘course correct’ my journey in order to get different results?
  • What am I procrastinating about doing?
  • What negative habits do I have that I know I need to let go of?
  • Did I invest my attention, time or resources into my personal growth, knowledge, wellbeing and/or happiness in the past year in any way?
  • What goal, dream or aspiration do I have for myself for the coming 12 months that I’m ready to make happen? Where is fear currently controlling me?

Many people live completely disempowered lives because they haven’t taken full responsibility for their lives. As mentioned previously, many individuals believe that they are ‘victims’ of the circumstances that life throws them. Now, although bad things do happen in life, we always have a choice as to how we act and respond to our circumstances.

Oprah said, “Turn Your Wounds into Wisdom” and Estee Lauder said, “I didn’t get there by wishing for it, or hoping for it, but by working for it.”

And like me, you find that things are easier and life is more enjoyable because you are creating it on your own terms rather than reacting to it.

So what are the secrets to living a self-empowered life?  The real secret is awareness and we’ll be jumping deeper into that topic next week. Once you are aware that you are giving away your power through fear and blaming, you are more than halfway there. But there are some specific mind shifts and actions that can help you.

I am honored to pay forward all the love that has been given to our family after my daughter Jenna’s passing, click the link below to learn more about the rewards of having someone positively support you.

Learn how to:

Examine Yourself
Take a hard look at your life to see where you might be giving away your power. How are you letting other people define or control you or your behavior? Who are you blaming for your situation? What is your contribution to a conflict or life circumstance? What are you avoiding and what excuses are you giving yourself and others?

Take a hard look at your life to see where you might be giving away your power.

  • How are you letting your circumstances define or control you or your behavior?
  • Are you blaming anyone for your situation? If so, who?
  • How are you contributing to the level of fulfillment in your life?
  • Are you tired of not living your life to its full potential? If so, what are you doing about it?

Kill the Victim
Self-empowered people don’t see themselves as victims. They view themselves as the creator, the one who holds responsibility over the outcome of their lives, they do not relinquish their power and ultimately they decide on the path they want to take despite their circumstances.

To take control of your own life, you must let go of the victim mentality. But be warned, the victim within you may be very difficult to identify. It could be deeply entrenched in your psyche from being victimized in the past. Sometimes it even feels good to be a victim because it brings sympathy and attention. But that’s all you get from it. And sympathy and attention aren’t enough for a happy life.

Drop Your Story
Part of being a victim involves perpetuating the identify you’ve created for yourself.  It’s the part of you that says…”I am the way I am and I behave the way I do because this happened to me in my life.”

All of us have these stories, and they are based in truth. You were never good enough as a child. Your heart was broken. You have endured great loss. Everyone has suffered, and some have had truly horrifying or debilitating life events. But if you use these situations as the constant mental recording for your life, you will NEVER escape being the leading character of a sad story. The more you reinforce your story, the more entrenched you become in it. Therefore…create the story you WANT to live!

Fake It Until You Feel It
Becoming a self-empowered person doesn’t happen overnight. You have to practice. You need to model the things that self-empowered people do until you gain mastery and confidence.

Begin by actively shifting your thoughts away from victim language and toward success language. Try to catch yourself in thoughts of blame, shame, guilt, or self-pity. Then replace those thoughts with words of gratitude, self-love, forgiveness and acceptance.

Ask yourself what you feel about yourself and your life. Notice what the voice inside you says and write it down.

If the voice was negative, how could you rephrase the sentence to express gratitude, self-love, forgiveness and acceptance? Write your answer down.

Seek Reinforcement
I have always said it’s the strong that seek help. Self-empowered people embrace positive support. Asking for help does not mean you are weak or incapable. It means you are empowered enough to take full responsibility for your soul’s evolution. It means you are seeking to model human thoughts and behaviors that produce the results you want in your life.

This help can come in the form of books, courses, therapy, coaching, and the counsel of friends and family. Everyone, even the most self-empowered, can benefit from the support and insights of others who have our best interest at heart.

It’s possible to surround yourself with a model of self-empowerment right NOW!, click the following link to find out how you can join our empowerment class.

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