2017 has been a challenging year for me…as if I could handle any more challenges in my life. I’ve prayed a lot to God to please show me the way and to please give me the wisdom to walk through the doors I’m supposed to walk through.
I’ve given my heart and soul to #hersmile…working every week hours over the sum of a full time job. Yet even with those efforts there’s been delays and challenges. So much so that I often wonder if the universe is trying to communicate something to me despite my heart telling me to keep going and that our work is desperately needed.
A couple of weeks back, I hit a breaking point. I was in a minor accident with my daughter. That was about all I could take at that point. I was angry. I was angry at life which has never been me. But enough is enough. I was bitterly upset and at the lowest point I’ve been since Jenna’s passing.
So that night, in the quiet of my mind, I ranted to God, “Really…Since Jenna has passed away I’ve done my best to celebrate my love for her out into the world. I told you I didn’t want to be bitter, I wanted to be better. I have wanted my love for Jenna to make a difference in the world but you haven’t made life at all more manageable…as a matter of fact you’ve made it harder! And you know what I mean…this year has been one delay, one hurdle, one difficulty more than I can handle. Are you trying to break me? You already know I’m on your side. In a crazy world marred by pain and suffering…I’m on YOUR side! I’m trying to do your work. I’m trying to make a loving difference in honor of the most beautiful thing that exist…a parent’s love for their child. But you seem not to care. It feels like you’re pushing me away…I don’t know what more you want from me…,” I closed my eyes and began to weep.
I’m always completely authentic with you and honestly I’m not completely proud of everything I said to God that night, mostly because I made it seem like God owed me. God doesn’t owe me anything…since my rant to God, I’ve been gifted with several special conversations with friends and family. I realized it’s not God that owes me, it’s me that owes me. I owe myself love, patience and compassion and I need to acknowledge I have done enough.
You see, up until now I haven’t been content to help one person through #hersmile because I always tell myself that’s not enough. In telling myself over and over again, “It’s not enough”…I see now that I’ve attracted more of not having enough into my life.
Next week is our 2017 Twilight Gala Italiano in honor of Jenna’s 18th Birthday. Ticket sales have been slow and, again, my initial reaction is it’s just not enough. But STOP…it is enough. When you give everything you’ve got…it is enough. You and I can’t control anyone but ourselves. I can wholeheartedly say we have done an incredible job planning the Gala and I’m so proud of all of our efforts. I haven’t failed in any area and yet I have to let go…that is the hardest thing…letting go…because I have naively mistaken it as failure.
May we always remember that we are enough because I know I’m still working on it ❤️